For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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