Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
