Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
