i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
