Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize