I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
