my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
