no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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