The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
