ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
