I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
