my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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