I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
