i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
