I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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