So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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