I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
