I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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