What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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