apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
