i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
