If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
