Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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