apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
