I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
