Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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