A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
My bed smells like the plague
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