I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize