Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
