A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
