i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
