So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize