Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
