tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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