o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
