Just took my morning after pill in the library
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
