good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
