If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
