thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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