Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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