I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
