I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
wow bdsm is so cute
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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