wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
