What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
it glows. i had to have it.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
