good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
