EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
