you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
MIDGETS
????
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
