This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
