Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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