I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
