Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
