I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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