he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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