She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
