Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
